So after seeing a nice summary my friend Chel (from gingerblue.com) posted a while back on her blog, it sort of inspired me to start writing again. I wanted to include some photos but that hasn't happened and if I waited for that, it might never happen, so here we go.
What's going on around here:
Looking back...
So, 2014. The Year that Should Not Have Been. Or more like, The Year I Never In a Million Years Would Have Imagined Possible. Or more aptly titled, "Closing a Book on My Life and Starting Over". After being in a relationship for almost half of my life, I will once again be single sometime in the near future. Not only that, I will be a middle-aged single dad......That scares me immensely but I will survive.
My mantra has been, "It is what it is..." Nothing to do now but to learn from my mistakes, and to focus on being a better father to my kids and a better person.
Thinking...
Don't ask. This changes day to day, hour to hour, minute to minute. Mostly right now it's been focused on trying to save money or make more money because financially, it's been tough, REALLY tough. My emotions are on a rollercoaster and there are good days when everything is going okay and things are relatively "normal", and there are bad days when I feel like I'm at the bottom of a deep well with no way to get out. I'm really trying to focus on being comfortable being "alone" and that's been a little difficult. Having shared a residence with someone ever since I was out of HS, it's been somewhat of a learning curve having a place all to myself. Also having been in a relationship for nearly half of my life, I've really needed to come to terms about being content & satisfied being relationship-free. That urge of needing or having someone around was (is) difficult to shake.
Getting off Facebook has really helped in this regard. Some called it selfish when I announced my departure from Facebook, but I feel like it's something I really needed to do. Not that I'm not happy for my friends & family with the good things happening to them. But seeing them do things I can't do, travel places I can't travel to, and having good relationships I don't have, it was getting me down. I realize that Facebook is everyone's "Greatest Hits", but I needed to get away from that. I didn't need to see all the fun I was missing out on nor feel guilty I couldn't do things that other people were doing. At this point in my life, I really needed to focus on getting me to a better place emotionally and Facebook wasn't helping. After all, I DO know people who don't use Facebook. If they can do without, then I should be able to as well.
What's interesting to me after being off for 3 months is just how pervasive Facebook is in everyday life. I've run into friends I haven't seen in a while and there are many, many conversations that revolve around things that have been announced, shared or discussed on Facebook, and the conversations assume that I know about these things. It's a given that people know just about everything that's going on on Facebook. I have to remind them to get me caught up because I really had no clue whatsoever with what they were talking about. It's also made conversations with friends more interesting now because now we actually have stuff to talk about instead of automatically knowing what each person is doing.
I suspect I'll be back on Facebook someday, but for now, the self-imposed ban continues.
Arkansas outside...
Weather has been a little nuts lately....the highs have been very pleasant for the most part, in the 50s and 60s. But the nights are cool. Nearly everyday has chance of rain or scattered thunderstorms so that's put a damper on outdoor activities. I put myself on a self-imposed ban from cycling for a couple of months (just to get other stuff in order) but I realized that was a stupid thing to do. Cycling is my life-blood and going without has made me a considerably grumpier, unhappier person. There's no reason I can't take a couple of hours out of the 168 hrs every week to do one bike ride.
with the kiddos...
Disc golf, park time, hiking, bike rides, Museum of Discovery. At home, we've really been getting into Settlers of Catan + Cities and Knights Expansion and Dominion. We tent-camped in the backyard last weekend and even hiked to the top of Pinnacle Mtn which was Alison's first time to the top. Proud of my 5-yr old for her perseverance. And um, yeah....Connor turned 10 a month ago and Alison turned 5 a couple of weeks ago. Time really flies.
fitness....
This is taking the back burner for the time being, as a result of needing to make better use of my free time. I've gotten in a couple of rides here and there and a run or two as well. But nowhere even close to what I need. I keep telling myself it's temporary and once things settle down, I can resume my regular weekly rides. I did get a small, unexpected check from work so I splurged a bit and bought a Garmin Forerunner 310XT fitness watch which happened to be a great deal. I love how I can use it for running and cycling and how it will automatically upload to my computer and sync with Strava. Much more revolutionary since my previous Garmin Edge I had (and since sold) 5 years ago.
Reading...
My reading these days has been primarily limited to children's books. Remember how I said one of the things I'm working on is being a better father? Well, I never really read much to my kids in the past, but I've definitely turned that around. We'll hit the public library every month or so and reading books at bedtime has become routine when I have the kids with me. Their latest favorites are: Tyrannosaurus Dad, Rosie Revere, Engineer, One Dark Night, Bike Rodeo.
But I also was recommended, "Practicing the Power of Now" by Eckhart Tolle last year when I was first separated. It is definitely a thought-provoking book, not all to be read at once, and definitely best digested over many readings. But in a nutshell, it talks about how the past is done and gone, and no matter what, you can't change it. It's not worth dwelling on. Try to learn from your mistakes and move on. The future is unknowable and unpredictable so there's no sense in fretting about what may be (or not be, as the case may be). The only thing you have control over is the NOW so that's where you should focus your energies. It's definitely helped put things into perspective.
Oh, and I haven't read it yet, but I mean to....The Five Love Languages. I've explored the website and determined my Love Language. I now need to read the book too. Seems like a useful quiz to take for yourself & loved ones for any relationship you have. This is one regret that I didn't read this sooner. Now the only question I have is whether one of my love languages is my actual love language or a perceived one (i.e., I wasn't receiving that in my marriage so the perceived lack of it made it one)?
Braden just got a copy of Ready Player One from his lootcrate and I read it based on his recommendation. Think virtual reality scavenger hunt but with a zillion 80s pop culture & gaming references thrown in. I enjoyed it so much I'm on my second read through. I also found my copy of Rising Tide so I'm about to go through that for the second time.
Hearing...
I've been trying so desperately to break out of my usual listening habits (classic rock & hard rock). So far I seem to keep coming back to Linkin Park and Coldplay. Nothing revolutionary mind you, but I've really enjoyed their respective Pandora stations.
Watching...
I can't tell you how many TV series I've started the past couple of years that still remain unfinished. I almost need to start a list to keep track of where I am with each series so when I start them back up I know where to start from. Fringe, Parenthood, Chuck, The West Wing, The Blacklist, Justified, Prison Break, Orange is the New Black, Transparent, Deadwood, just to name a few. Scratch Deadwood. Managed to finish that off in the last month.
However, my latest binge addiction that I'm somewhat embarrassed to admit is watching Gilmore Girls. And I fully have plans to follow this one out to the very end. I've been a huge fan of Lauren Graham ever since I saw her in Parenthood. I was told that if I liked her in Parenthood, I would probably like her in Gilmore Girls. It's a fun show focusing on the relationship of a single mom and her college-bound daughter. I LOVE all the cultural references spread abundantly through the show. The characters are fun, interesting, and make for some interesting dynamics.
I also finished off Mozart in the Jungle (Amazon Prime exclusive) which was really quite good. It looks at the inner workings of a symphony, particularly following a brand-new, brash, young director and an aspiring oboist trying to make it big. In a world where classical music isn't very mainstream, they make it intriguing and worth following. From that, I started watching Transparent, another Amazon Prime exclusive. I've only watched a few episodes but it talks about a slightly past-middle aged father who comes out as transgender to his adult children.
And I was recommended House of Cards from a co-worker so I re-watched Season 1 & promptly blasted through until I was caught up with that. And same goes for Hell on Wheels. Both excellent shows.
Looking forward...
Springtime in Arkansas is my favorite. Warmer temperatures, longer days. Mtb racing will be starting back up soon. Game of Thrones is my one & only "must-see" TV so that will be starting up in a couple of weeks.
I really enjoyed this entry. I hope you do more- it's nice to really catch up with you.
ReplyDeleteI hear you on the social media. In the last few months I have pretty much scaled back my use of all of it. It's too much for me. I think it's just the new form of a measuring stick, in a way. Like, I know what makes me happy, and how *I* operate, but then I find myself thinking "well so-and-so likes cooking so maybe there's something wrong with me that I don't..." etc. And then I'm, like, "Uh, what is happening here?" It takes me off course. (I also don't understand how people have time for it in big ways- many artists post tons of photos of their work and work in progress and participate in all sorts of facebook/instagram challenges and groups- how can anyone have time for that AND for actually making art/living life? I don't understand it!)
Have you heard of "Bloodline"? Great noir show on Netflix. We devoured it in just a few days.
I can sort of relate as to what you wrote with feeling uncertain with things, but for me it's my health. I'm in a lot of pain these days, and it's very unsettling to me. It makes me wonder what the future holds, and that scares the living daylights out of me. But I don't think I've admitted it to myself- it's too scary to truly sit down and think about. And I shouldn't be doing that, either. So I'm just trying to stay in the now, which can be difficult. But I think it's a really worthy practice. I think I just need to focus on how important it is to focus on the present and make that a serious priority rather than trying to jam it in.
<3