Useless Mutant Ability #1554

UMA: #1554 - Ability to discern make/model of vehicles within 0.2 milliseconds of seeing them.

I must say that I can probably pick out the make/model of nearly any vehicle on the road simply by glancing at them. Is this a guy thing? It's not like I frequently spend my free time loitering in car lots. It's not like I sit down with a pile of car magazines and stare intently at every car listed to memorize them. It's not even remotely close that I have a list of cars that I don't recognize right off the bat that I need to improve my memory on. I just find myself driving around and noticing that I can pretty much instantly tell you what any car is that you see. Yes, my powers of vehicle recognition are keen.

And the scary thing is that I sometimes play a game where I try to name every car that I see. Yes, Cliff has truly gone off the deep end when he's reciting makes/models of cars to himself.

That's why when Jen told me one of the ladies from church bought a new SUV but couldn't tell me anything about it that I was truly astounded. "What make is it?" I interrogated her. That way if she said "Chevy", it could have been a Suburban, or a Tahoe, or a Trailblazer. If she said "Ford," it could have been an Explorer, Expedition, or Excursion. Perhaps one of those would jog her memory hard enough to recall what her friend had told her. But she couldn't tell me one detail or even what color it was. Whereas if I saw a friend's new vehicle, even if for a brief instant, or was told about it, I could tell you exactly what it was from that point forward.

Is this seemingly innate useless ability to know stuff about "cars" a guy thing? Or am I just a freak of nature - a mutant, if you will?

Guilty pleasure

Is it me or does Norah Jones have a deliciously saucy sultry yummy voice? I'm sitting here, reading Ars, listening to her newest album, feels like home, which I got Jen for Mother's Day, and Don't Miss You At All comes on. Result? Cliff is reduced to one big mushy puddle. And the piano in that song. *further melting* A peek into the CD liner reveals why it is so awe-inspiring - "music by Duke Ellington". 'Nuff said.

Am I Expecting Too Much?

To the lady who won my latest Ebay auction:

Is it too much to ask that you email me and tell me you're not interested in the item anymore? Or do you consider giving the cold shoulder perfectly fine netiquette? I've sent you numerous emails, asking you what the deal is. And day after day, I get nothing back. I understand if circumstances change and you really shouldn't have bid on the item to begin with. But at least show me the common courtesy and inform me that you changed your mind. Please? It's not that much to ask. That way I can either list the item again or sell it through other means.

By not responding to any of my emails, now I have to drag it out and file a non-paying bidder report. Now I have to wait *another* 10 days to see if you respond to that before I can consider the auction null and void. That's 10 days more that I have to wait until I can get the much needed money that I was counting on.

Thanks for nothing lady. Because that's what I've gotten from you. Nothing.

Sincerely,
--A

May Showers

"If April showers bring May flowers, what do May flowers bring?"

"Why, Pilgrims, of course." *ba-da-cymbal crash*

You know you've been working hard when you've had multiple showers in one day. Today was a five, almost six shower day.

Shower #1: Approximately 10am - after mowing the grass. Temperature outside: over 80 degrees I'm sure.

Shower #2: Approximately 2pm - after running the carpet deep cleaner & vaccum (x2) & cooking lunch. Temperature inside: upper 70s since we hadn't turned on the A/C yet.

Shower #3: Approximately 4pm - after helping out at Ariel's softball practice. Temperature outside: 92 degrees without any shade.

Shower #4: Approximately 7pm - after grilling up pork chops and BBQ chicken for dinner. Temperature outside: probably several hundred degrees right above the grill.

Shower #5: Approximately 8:30pm - after moving CWB's old sleeper-sofa couch from his house to our house, which required dismantling two sets of doors. Temperature outside: probably still in the 80s, but the physical exertion was the main culprit this time.

Ok...so I didn't actually take all those showers today (just one), but it's the potential that counts. At least I feel like I was productive and accomplished a lot today. So nyah.

How Hard Can It Be??

Everyone has done it. You go into a retail store with a specific product in mind, find the item, and purchase it. No problems right? Easy and straightforward right? WRONG. I don't know what it is in the air or the water but the last two days have been shopping NIGHTMARES.

Incident #1
Location: Home Depot, West Little Rock
Time: Yesterday 12:00noon

Co-worker buddy (CWB) & I had gone to get a new grate for his BBQ grill. We found the grill without any problem and proceeded to pay for it at the self-checkout machines. He was using a debit card like he had on numerous occassions in the past. For some reason, even with the assistance of the cashier, we were unable to get the machine to accept his debit card. She even went as far as to run it in her own machine (like CWB was voluntarily going to give her his PIN) to no avail. We had to leave the store, go to the bank, and then come back to complete the transaction with CASH.

Time it should have taken to complete the shopping event: 10 minutes
Actual time it took to complete the event: 25 minutes

*****

Incident #2
Location: Walmart, West Little Rock
Time: Today, 12:15 pm

Same aforementioned grill. CWB now needed a new propane tank. How difficult could that be, right? You bring your old one, exchange it for a new one, pay for it and you should be on your merry way. 1) We thought you didn't exchange the tank until they were ready to get the new one out of lock up. But that's too logical. You had to bring your old one into the store with you. That required CWB going ALL the way back to the car to get it, and then after bringing it to the store, only to find out his was obsolete and they wouldn't take it. But they did say Home Depot might accept older tanks.

So off we go to Home Depot - nope. They didn't accept the tank either. Back to Walmart to purchase a new tank. Easy right? Just tell the cashier that you wanted a tank, they scan the barcode in their notebook, and send someone to get the tank out of lockup? WRONG. The first cashier CWB went to didn't know how to do it. Had to call a manager that never showed up after waiting for a LONG time. Ended up waiting for the cashier next to him who knew how to ring it up. But then we had to wait umpteen minutes for someone to come get it out of lock up. Actually, CWB had to go and find someone to do that as well after we had waited for a while.

Time it should have taken to complete the shopping event: 10 minutes
Actual time it took to complete the event: 25 minutes

*****

Incident #3
Location: Best Buy, West Little Rock
Time: Today, 1:00 pm

After being severely frustrated, we thought a last stop to Best Buy might soothe our nerves. CWB found a DVD he wanted to buy so he proceeded to pay for it. And he even had cash this time. Found a lane without any people waiting and prepared to sail clear through. Not so fast. That lane didn't accept cash payments. WTF?????? Only accepted digital transactions (i.e. credit/debit cards). So we ended up having to wait in a longer line to pay CASH for one stinkin' DVD.

Time it should have taken to complete the shopping event: 1 minute
Actual time it took to complete the event: 10 minutes

Sometimes you just can't win.

****

Overheard at Best Buy:

Store employee : "HP makes really really good computers, just make sure you get the extended service plan."

[Author's note: Ummm...yeah, if they make such GOOD computers, why do you need a service plan???]

Excuse me while I go and pound something into oblivion. Frustration doesn't even begin to describe how I feel. More like, "resistance is FUTILE." I think I'm going to make that my life's motto. Yeah, that's the ticket.

Addendum - Incident #4
Location: Harvest Foods, Little Rock
Time: Today, 4pm

Received a call from CWB later this afternoon telling me about the icing on the cake. He had stopped off at a grocery store on the way home to get some meat to grill. The grocery store was almost completely empty, making CWB one of the only shoppers in the store at the time. He picked up what he needed, paid for it and proceeded to leave the store. He then realized he had forgotten to pick up some soda (which was on sale - 4 12-packs for $10) so he dropped the stuff off at the car and came back into the store to pick up the sodas. Turn around time: Probably only about a minute.

He went back to the exact SAME cashier that had checked him out not more than two minutes prior, soft drinks in hand. The cashier told him that the sale price on the soda was only valid with an accompanying $10 purchase. CWB was like, "But I just bought $30 worth of stuff. You checked me out." The cashier responded, "How do I know that? I see so many people everyday - I don't remember every face I see." CWB belabored his point some more saying how he was the only customer in the store, how he just walked out with $30 of groceries not more than a few minutes before that. The cashier finally relented and said he'd guess he'd make an exception in this one case.

Umm...yeah. What's the matter with people these days??

Traffic woes & overaged drivers - Grr...

In order to commute from my small town (population 10,000) to Little Rock, I must travel 5 miles down a four-lane (two lanes each direction) divided highway (speed limit: 50mph). With the greater working population leaving for Little Rock between 7-8am in the mornings, you can imagine traffic can be somewhat of a nightmare. Well, it doesn't HAVE to be, but it is. All because of selfish, inconsiderate, holier-than-thou drivers who couldn't care less about his or her fellow commuter.
The divided highway runs about 5 miles from our town to the interstate which we must take to go across the bridge to Little Rock. So everyone who works in Little Rock must take this divided highway to get onto the interstate. The divided highway has two lanes, the right-most lane which eventually turns into the on-ramp onto the interstate.

Everyone who commutes into Little Rock knows this is the case. It's not like all of the sudden overnight this situation has come into being. So while most of the population from our town drive in the right lane biding their turn and time to get on the interstate, there are the few asshats which speed down the left lane and merge in at the last possible minute.

Excuse me? do you think you're better than the rest of us? What makes you think you deserve special treatment? Because of their impatient selfish nature, this causes the patient drivers who have been moving along at a steady clip to slam on their brakes to let this asshat in. This sets off a chain reaction where every car behind the patient driver who was also moving along steadily must now slam on their brakes. And this of course results in bumper-to-bumper, multiple standing-wave traffic gridlock. To top it off, they give the little polite wave while making their last-minute move. The wave which signifies, �ha sucker, I beat the system again.� I�ll tell YOU what I�d like to do to that arm making the �wave.� Rassinfrassin�

It�s not like these drivers are not aware of the situation the develops in the mornings on our commute. It�s been like this day in and day out for years. Grr.

If these people simply did NOT do that, traffic would continue to move at a constant pace and everyone would get to their destinations that much quicker. Instead, for the majority of the population, it takes almost a good half hour to an hour to get onto the interstate. Grr.

I know there�s no solution to this ongoing problem. Asshats will continue to be asshats.

And this morning�s commute was especially bad because as I approached the interstate and traffic actually picked up a little bit, I noticed every car in front of me all swerving into the left lane to pass a slow moving car and then swerving back into the right lane. The car was traveling 20mph � with no traffic in front of it. Remember I said the speed limit is 50mph. I glanced over at the car as I passed and noticed an elderly woman driving, white knuckles gripped on the steering wheel, and barely able to see out her windshield.

**sigh** While I�m all for equal rights and fairness, driving is a privilege, not a RIGHT. For some reason, the elderly AARP community seem to think otherwise. When lawmakers proposed a law for more frequent driver testing for the elderly, the AARP threw a hissy-fit saying that that was discrimination and put the full weight of their lobby against the legislature. Needless to say, it didn�t pass. I�m sorry, but if you can�t see over the hood, if you can�t drive the speed limit, if driving makes you anxious or frightened, or if you cannot physically handle a vehicle, you shouldn�t be driving.

Entertain Me!!!

What is it with today�s society? All around us we are constantly being bombarded by stimuli in the form of radio waves, satellite waves, magnetic fields, and electric fields. Each radio station tries to outdo the other ones with promises of non-stop music or commercial-free listening. Televisions are almost a staple of any large family mover SUV, and are becoming more and more common in small sedans. Even our telephones these days are packed with features such as games, text messaging, and photographic capabilities which serve to keep us entertained.

And that�s without mentioning entertainment in the home...

At home we have DVD players, Super Surround Sound, XPlayCubeGameBoxStations, SatelliteCableTivoHDTVs. Even some of our refrigerators and bathtubs/showers (at least for the rich & famous) come with built-in entertainment devices. Everywhere I look, kids outside who should be running and exploring are commonly gathered in small groups, hunched over Boygames watching the single lucky individual mash buttons.

And those who are unfortunate enough to not own any of these devices, there�s the computer and internet at our fingertips. Even our fingers which used to get some exercise walking through the yellow pages now lay sedentary as the same information can be gleaned from just a few taps on the mouse. While before only the geeky and academic had access to computers for entertainment value, today nearly every household owns one. Entertainment no longer comes from store-bought computer games. Why pay for entertainment when it�s free for the taking via the WorldWideWonder? Homemakers these days are now the largest demographic of Internet users. Instead of heading down the street to gossip with other like-minded people, the homemaker can now sit in the comfort of her own home, chatting with all her friends while watching their soaps on their computer.

While situation-comedies were the staple of the American TV family in the not-so-distant past, the shows these days compete in ShockValue(!!!) to attract larger and larger audiences. No, we can�t even sit and watch a show that was taped only a few months ago. We have to watch as they do ExtremeFearMakeoverFactorSurvivorBacheloretteSwanIdol Live! Anything less than that is completely undesireable. Shows just aren�t good enough unless they have gorgeous people eating larvae, gorgeous people singing, gorgeous people getting makeovers, gorgeous people surviving, gorgeous people dating, or even gorgeous looking homes. Last I checked, reality isn�t composed of a majority of gorgeous people, so why is it that �Reality TV� only shows gorgeous hunks and hunkettes?

Even the news today tries to entertain us with sensationalism, extra-exclusive-one-of-a-kind-you-saw-it-here-first stories. Why talk about how little Johnny Douglas led a service project in cleaning up a local park? Because that�s booooorrrrrinnngggggg. We�d rather see footage of U.S. military planes dropping bombs on The Enemy. We�d rather hear about how Janet Marsha Joel caused some sort of societal faux pas from a hundred different �experts�. Even our revered award-winning journalistic news specials have to compete with CrimeFriendsInvestigation. Just the other day, 20Date60LineMinutes20 had an episode where couples had to �compete� to see who got the opportunity to adopt an unwanted baby.

Even while working we have to watch or listen to StreamingLiveRealTimeAudioScoreboards. In fact, my favorite time of the day while I�m at work is between 1pm and 4pm during which Jim Rome helps me pass the drudgery of computer modeling. I talk to the younger generation of young adults and it seems like every one of them has a XplayCubeBoyGameBoxStation, SatelliteCableTivoHDTV, CameraWalkieTalkieFlipPhone with their own PersonalizedRingToneWallpaperProgrammableGreeting. And the even younger generation all have their own DVDMP3CDVCRTVPlayers in their own rooms.

We can�t get away from it. Whether we�re at work, or commuting, or at home, or traveling, or vacationing, or even in our own beds when we�re supposed to be resting, we are constantly exposed to some form of media entertainment. We NEED to be entertained. We MUST be entertained. If we�re not, then we feel less than a human being.

Case in point? I wrote this little piece not only to express my thoughts and opinions, but in hopes of entertaining whoever chooses to read this. Even I am guilty of perpetuating this ugly cycle that continues to permeate through our everyday life.

So the next time you feel like picking up the remote control or turning on your radio, I think we should all have a moment of silence to grieve and mourn for the Sounds of Silence. For in our modern day world, it is truly extinct.

So much for 'free' time...

Official notice: As of today, Sunday, May 2, 2004, free time for the Li's has officially been cast out the window. Do not pass 'Go.' Do not collect $200. Go straight to join the ranks of 'Sports Family'.

While we were out practicing pitching with Ariel yesterday afternoon in our back yard (you gotta love a backyard in which we can do that in!), we had a message left on our answering machine from the head coach of Ariel's softball team.

He called to tell us that our regularly scheduled game this next week was to be postponed. *whew* We thought - we had enough to do during the week anyway. Little did we know that that was just a setup for the Impending Doom (TM) that was about to befall our little family.

The second half of his message was the kicker. Here was where he dropped the bomb on us. He asked if Ariel would be interested in playing on the Maumelle traveling tournament softball team. Our jaws dropped. Nervousness, anxiety, excitement - all these emotions hit Ariel. Jen & I were even worse off. I told Ariel I'd talk to her coach & get some more info before we committed. We should have been committed, I tell ya.

I called her coach back later that evening and talked to him. It would involve practices twice a week. It would involve traveling to tournaments over the weekend. It would involve practice games. And that was in addition to whatever games she had committed to with her regular league team. Her coach also went on to say that all the girls playing on the tournament team (with exception to one) have all been playing for at least two years. But after seeing Ariel play, he felt she was a good enough player to play on the tournament team. What an honor, I thought. He also said that by playing on the tournament team, Ariel would improve in playing softball REAL quick.

Ariel was still fairly nervous - I think she felt like she wasn't up to playing with the other girls who were better than her. But once I told her that her coach wouldn't have asked her to be on the team if he didn't think she could play, she felt a lot better. So we committed. And boy are we committed. They had a 2-hour practice today (because they couldn't practice yesterday). We have two tournament team practice games this week. We have a tournament next weekend. Next week we have a tournament team practice game as well as three league games. And the following weekend is another tournament. Hoo boy.

I've always wanted my kids to participate in some sort of sporting activity. As parents, it's one of those things which give you all sort of Proud Parent Moments (TM). It's the chance to live vicariously through your kids for activities you never had the chance to participate in while you were young. And last night was a definite Proud Daddy Moment (TM). The best part of it is this time I'm not directly involved with the team so I can finally sit back and cheer on Ariel with the other Sports Parents (TM).

It's true that my free time is no longer my own. But I'd give up that in order to give my kids these wonderful opportunities of their own. Isn't that what parenting is all about?